Monday, October 13, 2014

It won me a wealthy admirer!

Wow, sounds fabulous... whatever "it" is! I could use a wealthy admirer -- preferably handsome and in great shape, actually, but I'll settle for wealthy. So let's read on and find out this amazing secret!

I've got to have my church committee here to lunch tomorrow, and I do hope that rich Mrs. Armstrong won't be too critical!

Why should she? You know you're the best little housekeeper in town!

I'm confused. Is she little, or is the house little?

What a perfectly lovely luncheon! And how clever you are to get your salt to pour so well in this rainy weather!

Oh, that's just because I use Morton's Salt -- its uniform cube crystals won't cake!

Little known fact: the Morton's slogan would have been "When it rains, its uniform cube crystals won't cake" if their factory in Chicago had only been twice as long.

My dear, I'm thrilled by the way that Morton's Salt you told me about ended my clogged salt-cellars after all these years. You're every bit as smart as you are pretty!

This... what... I can't even. I don't want snobby, rich old ladies as admirers. SO DISAPPOINTED.


Monday, September 29, 2014

It's all right for him...

It's all right for him... He goes off in the morning -- and you can see he's anticipating the bustle, the life, his day will bring.

Problems to sort out, people to talk to, have a joke with. Lunch with his friends. Then back to his work, absorbed and interested, until it's time to come home.

I've got a full-time out-of-home job, and I have to say this is a rather rose-glasses view of it.

But all you have is an empty house. And the same dull round of household tasks. There are times when the thought of it takes the heart out of you.

But compare it to household tasks.... I'd rather have the drudgery of meetings and corporate red tape than laundry and dusting.

Monday, September 15, 2014

"But who are you going to shoot first?" asked Elsie.

Settle down, it's not the "Elmer goes insane and murders his family" storyline that you might have thought from that introduction...

"One side, woman," bellowed Elmer, the bull. "This is man's work! I'll blast the Black Market off the face of the earth."

See? He's just going to murder a bunch of neighbors in a fit of patriotic zeal.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Guest Husband

This narrative's title ends up being profoundly disappointing. It sounds like a quirky affair plot (especially after that first sentence!)... but it turns out Geoff is just so frequently away from home his wife feels he's more of a guest than a family member. Sad, really.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Her Saturday Night Gingerbread brought him back

Alice, after several years of marriage, began to feel that Jack was getting tired of domesticity and just her. In particular, she thought, his eyes wandered all too often in the direction of pink and white Betty Thornton.

Alice, however, had a way with her, too. So she bought an exotic black satin at Dale's which made her figure look like a movie star's.
Nothing counteracts the seven year itch like a new dress.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I'm not a bad girl! You're a bad mommy!

I can't even make snarky comments about this one. Just read it.

"You're a bad mommy!" I could hardly believe my ears! Was this my little girl walking to me! Why, I tried so hard to be a good and wise mother. But here was my little Mary looking at me as if she hated me!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

“But Elmer, I didn’t say it would make you live to 90!”

“But Elmer, I didn’t say it would make you live to 90!” said Elsie, the Borden Cow.

Elsie and Elmer always come in mid-conversation. No, that's not really accurate. It's always mid-argument.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

"There's no such thing as luck," said Goldie

"Skill wins every time," said Goldie as he took the game. "Consider Molson's Golden Ale."

"You mean Molson's left nothing to change?" suggested Goldie's opponent.

I would have interpreted it as "You're so drunk right now it's easy to beat you at checkers."

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Snow Ghost Pie tastes as good today as it did when Grandma baked it back in '33

This story was allegedly told to Hershey's in 1972 and used for an advertisement. It's... strange.
I remember when I was a boy, we had this handyman who shovelled our snow in the winter.

Now he wasn't your ordinary handyman, no sir. He was a cunning old devil. He was in direct contact with leprechauns, witches... trolls... and ghosts.

We kids didn't know whether to be scared of the handyman, or laugh at him. Mostly I guess we were scared.


Tuesday, March 25, 2014

"Sorry I married you?" protested Elsie, "Why DARLING!"

"Don't pull that darling stuff on me!" bellowed Elmer, the bull. "What's this mess of beet tops doing in front of me? And why?"