Paula's Come-Uppance Cake

For D & J, who get married this weekend. Luckily, neither will have a mother-in-law like this...

"THAT LITTLE FLIBBERTIGIBBET!" I thought the minute I clapped eyes on my son's bride coming down the Pullman steps. "Can't boil water, I bet!" It made me sick, Donnie meeting Paula on that cruise down South and marrying her. I'd had Nan Blaine here at home all picked out for him. Nan can cook.

What every mother-in-law really wants to know: not do they really know each other or will this end in tears in a few months, but can she boil water.

I bet the narrator lady can boil water just by glaring at it.

WELL, SHE AND DONNIE got to housekeeping.

I wish this was some midcentury euphamism. "I have some light housekeeping to do today..."

And right afterwards was our church's annual Cake Sociable. Paula, brash as anything, promised a chocolate cake. "I hate to think what it'll be like!" I told my married daughter, Minnie. "I guess our family's going to have to eat crow before all those folks!"

Chocolate cake? How brash! [swoon]

BUT I GOT MY COME-UPPANCE, ALL RIGHT! Because Paula's chocolate cake beat my cake, and Minnie's, and Nan Blaine's all hollow! It was a new kind, with a custard filling — sort of a cross between Fudge Cake and Boston Cream Pie. The most delicious thing! Folks just went crazy over it!

See, cranky narrator lady? Even not-able-to-boil-water Paula knew there's no crow in chocolate cake. And your family can proudly continue to hold up its head in church, because Donnie may have married hastily but at least the cake is good.

AND PAULA WAS REAL MODEST. "I couldn't have made such a rich-colored, rich-tasting cake without Baker's Chocolate," she said. "And only Baker's Chocolate ever gives frosting such satiny glass and moistness that keeps it fresh. Baker's Chocolate is so much richer, mother always said." And says I, "Paula, your mother brought you up right. And I tell you we're proud to have you in our family!"

I'm actually still wondering, though: Can Paula boil water?!?

Source

It won me a wealthy admirer!

Wow, sounds fabulous... whatever "it" is! I could use a wealthy admirer -- preferably handsome and in great shape, actually, but I'll settle for wealthy. So let's read on and find out this amazing secret!

I've got to have my church committee here to lunch tomorrow, and I do hope that rich Mrs. Armstrong won't be too critical!

Why should she? You know you're the best little housekeeper in town!

I'm confused. Is she little, or is the house little?

What a perfectly lovely luncheon! And how clever you are to get your salt to pour so well in this rainy weather!

Oh, that's just because I use Morton's Salt -- its uniform cube crystals won't cake!

Little known fact: the Morton's slogan would have been "When it rains, its uniform cube crystals won't cake" if their factory in Chicago had only been twice as long.

My dear, I'm thrilled by the way that Morton's Salt you told me about ended my clogged salt-cellars after all these years. You're every bit as smart as you are pretty!

This... what... I can't even. I don't want snobby, rich old ladies as admirers. SO DISAPPOINTED.

Source

It's all right for him...

It's all right for him... He goes off in the morning -- and you can see he's anticipating the bustle, the life, his day will bring.

Problems to sort out, people to talk to, have a joke with. Lunch with his friends. Then back to his work, absorbed and interested, until it's time to come home.

I've got a full-time out-of-home job, and I have to say this is a rather rose-glasses view of it.

But all you have is an empty house. And the same dull round of household tasks. There are times when the thought of it takes the heart out of you.

But compare it to household tasks.... I'd rather have the drudgery of meetings and corporate red tape than laundry and dusting.

"But who are you going to shoot first?" asked Elsie.

Settle down, it's not the "Elmer goes insane and murders his family" storyline that you might have thought from that introduction...

"One side, woman," bellowed Elmer, the bull. "This is man's work! I'll blast the Black Market off the face of the earth."

See? He's just going to murder a bunch of neighbors in a fit of patriotic zeal.

Guest Husband

This narrative's title ends up being profoundly disappointing. It sounds like a quirky affair plot (especially after that first sentence!)... but it turns out Geoff is just so frequently away from home his wife feels he's more of a guest than a family member. Sad, really.

I'm not a bad girl! You're a bad mommy!

I can't even make snarky comments about this one. Just read it.

"You're a bad mommy!" I could hardly believe my ears! Was this my little girl walking to me! Why, I tried so hard to be a good and wise mother. But here was my little Mary looking at me as if she hated me!

“But Elmer, I didn’t say it would make you live to 90!”

“But Elmer, I didn’t say it would make you live to 90!” said Elsie, the Borden Cow.

Elsie and Elmer always come in mid-conversation. No, that's not really accurate. It's always mid-argument.